Shifting the Conversation Participation Ratio
Talking + Listening = Conversation. You dictate the value of the terms on either side of the equation. Let's reflect.
Please note: this is a reflective piece around recreational conversation, not professional work-related conversations.
I ask questions. I firmly believe that if you ask targeted, pointed questions you get the answers you want. That the depth of your questions will dictate the value of your conversation. Without significant questions, you get small talk. This happens all too frequently. We all dread small talk.
As an “infinite learner”, I would rather listen. Anyone reading this that I knew as a teenager is probably laughing considering I progressed through my adolescent years often as the loudest in the room. But things change. I now value conversations about how individuals make decisions. How some of us feel like we were put on this earth to move the needle, to learn everything, to help everyone. How it’s not about alcohol, it’s about sunsets. Conversations change and so have I. I am proud of that and if you can relate, you should be proud of yourself as well. Change is not easy. Especially changing a mature individual’s mind.
My conversation participation ratio has shifted. I can firmly say 10 years ago it was 90/10 (90% talking / 10% listening).
Now, at 26 years old, it’s probably something like 60/40. And at 50 years old it will probably be something like 45/55. So on and so forth until I can no longer talk nor listen.
This begs the question:
Why is my Conversation Participation Ratio changing?
Conversations require active engagement from both parties. It is not enough for conversation to be a positive-sum game. But rather, both should walk away happy with a win, even if small.
Recently I have noticed my lack of interest in sharing or talking during most conversations.
I want to talk, but sometimes it just doesn’t come out. Or when someone asks me about myself, I just don’t want to tell people. Whether it’s work-related, or general interests, recently I just haven’t wanted to share. There is so much to unpeel here:
Is this my ego? Is it narcissistic? Will the listener comprehend my complex thoughts if I share?
Sometimes, yeah. I am battling my ego. Everyone is. But in some situations, I do find this to be true. You can be the smartest one in the room. These rooms get too crowded, the weight gets too heavy, and you get dragged down as the floor collapses—or there is just nowhere to move and *conversation* goes nowhere. You don’t want to be the smartest one in the room, or at least I don’t want to. I want fewer people, more brains, and deeper questions. Finding this is hard but it is necessary. Your conversation participation ratio will shift naturally in a room like this. If it’s not, you must catch yourself quickly and I have caught myself before. Sometimes I do feel like the smartest one in the room and naturally just talk less.
Is this an issue of association?
During recent conversation I’ve noticed the other participant’s attention slowly diverging away from me to the point where I feel like I am being ignored. Probably over the past 6 months or so (no coincidence this is about the same time I stopped drinking). This could be for a few reasons:
My answers are dull and boring and I am lame—very much could be true but for the sake of this piece, I am going to say this is not the case. I am obviously very interesting and cool.
My answers or conversation just don’t resonate with the folks I am speaking with.
Number 2. is bad. If this happens too much, your desire to share is muted. You are most likely not surrounding yourself with people who share similar interests. I have noticed this more than any of these other potential catalysts. My friend groups are slowly evolving. As should yours. Why would I share with folks who don’t want to listen or talk about what is currently on my mind considering I definitely know it is not on theirs?
Is this an issue of past experiences?
Have my past experiences shaped my decision-making in a negative way? Do I no longer want to share because of a previous traumatizing experience? Did I receive condescending comments, degrading feedback, or laughs last time I shared something? No this is not the case. We all kow this happens at a younger age when immaturity oozes. Bullying. However, this can happen in the workplace, but that is not relevant here. This is not a catalyst.
Am I purposefully isolating myself?
Could be the case. Could be a classic tale of self-isolation. Removing myself from situations because I am truly not happy. But I know at a deep, root level, this is not the case. Everyone has bad days where they would rather sit inside. So do I. But at my core, I am happy. I am learning, I am grateful. However, if you are feeling this way, please do not hesitate to reach out to me or anyone else close to you.
Am I genuinely shifting to a “listen more / talk less” ratio?
This is the ultimate end goal. Shift your mind to prioritize listening, add value when appropriate, and respond through clear articulate communication. Easier said than done because it takes two to tango—without an actively engaged participant, this can be difficult. As stated above, I have noticed the aforementioned as the major catalyst to my ratio change. But recently, I have noticed a novel, true feeling of engagement while listening. It used to be: if I wasn’t talking, I wasn’t participating nor learning. Now its the opposite. I want to listen. As I continue to surround myself with ambitious, growth orientated folks this novel feeling develops into a stronger, more recognizable feeling. Recognizing this is important.
I can proudly say I am now getting a bit more comfortable being quiet. Are you?
Cheers,
Cam
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